Having a hard time dealing...

The time I dreaded is coming near, Grace's edd on 8/31/09. I have been dreading this day. I know that it is going to be difficult. But what makes it more difficult is the fact that now we are having problems getting pg. I have never had this problem ever in my life so it is like salt in the wound. I am really considering talking to my pastor about this next week. I feel that right now I am jsut lost in the grief. I thought I was doing really well only to get knocked down again.

I should be ready to deliver any day now, not on my period again. I shouldnt be trying to get pregnant again. I shouldnt be struggling to deal with the loss of my daughter. I shouldnt be on the verge of tears every moment the last two days.. I shouldnt be in this position. Why me Lord? Why me? I dont understand what I have done to deserve this. What have I done wrong? Have I failed you in some way? I have heard so many comments saying "you are being punished".. What did I do wrong, or what did I not do to deserve what I have been through?

Why Lord have I not been able to get pregnant again. Is it you telling me that I am not going to have anymore children? Why? I wish I just knew what I had to do to get pregnant again. The waiting is killing me. God you know all too well that patience is not my strong suit. I have none. And I know that you still love me anyway..

Where do I go from here? How do I make it throught each day? How am I going to make it through Grace's due date? I need your help right now Lord. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have been so depressed. I need you to carry me. I dont know how to make it through this rough patch... Help me please, guide me...

I am missing baby Grace so terribly right now. I long to hold her in my arms. I know that she is with you and that she is in good hands. But the baby that I longed to hold in my arms and started tying to conceive last year has still left my arms empty. Its so painful to watch others hold their babies and know that I may never have that. I am trying to have faith that I will get pg again and have a healthy baby. But that dream seems like it will never happen. Each month that I find out I am not pregnant the dream slips farther away and even more unreachable.

Help me to get through this.. Help me to know if this dream is unreachable so that I focus on other things. It seems like trying to get pg is taking over my life some days. Although I was much better about not stressing last month. I need help here. I think that my world would be shattered to know that I would not be able to get pregnant again.. I so long for another child Lord. One that I can raise up to know you. One that can make a difference in this crazy world.

I know that you know what I desire and I have prayed so many nights for a baby. Please tell me what I am doing wrong. My heart is just broken. I am not trying to replace baby Grace, that can never be done and I will never forget her. But my desire for another baby is still as strong as it ever was. Please help me...

Right now I am too weak to stand on my own. Please give me the strength to make it through today and not fall on my face. I am so emotional right now that if someone said hello to me I might just break down and cry. :(