Two years ago today...

Never did I imagine two years ago when we started TTC that it would have taken us 2 years and 3 losses to get our precious baby.. 

Two years ago today I got the most shocking news of my life, something I never thought could happen to me.. I got the news that my pregnancy wasnt viable.. My baby hadnt developed past 6 wks and I was 8 wks pregnant.. I kept saying "why me? how me? why did God let this happen to me?" I was angry with God especially since we were in the middle of our Missions Kickoff week at church.. I was brokenhearted, devastated, shocked, an emotional mess, and just didnt believe it could happen to me...


I dont know what was worse, going through an awake D&C or having to "un-tell" my entire church congregation (because I never thought we would lose a baby) and dealing with the people that didnt know and kept coming up to me asking how the baby was... It was the most trying time of my life. But I didnt get time to grieve or lay in bed all day and hide under the covers like I wanted to because I had two other children that needed me.. Halloween that year was a blur..

As time passed I started to heal physically and was finally ready to try again. Got pg the first month after D&C only to find out at 18 wks that I had gotten an infection at the time of my D&C (this is very rare - only happens to 1% of pregnancies) and I lost my precious baby Grace at 18 wks gestation. She is my beautiful angel in heaven now...

I did go on to lose another pregnancy after her a year ago October 7th (my DD's 5th birthday) Never did I think that when we started TTC #3 it would take me two years and a long journey of heartbreak, 3 losses and TTC problems.. But I can tell you that what has happened over the last two years has helped me change into a different person. I will never be the naive girl again that didnt think pregnancy loss happened to her, just everyone else..

But I have made some amazing friends online that I have now traveled to meet IRL and who will always be my friends! We are connected by the fact that we all walk in the same pair of shoes (of someone who has lost a child). Dont get me wrong I remember my angel babies everyday and am thankful for my newest DD, but nothing will ever make me forget the road it took to get to her...

In some small way being able to reach out here and help girls get through the rough times brings me peace, that my losses werent in "vain" (if that makes any sense) And I know that my precious babies are in heaven with all of your babies and the other babies that have left this earth entirely too soon. I am so thankful that you girls still allow me to post here!

I also know that my faith has become so strong through this journey.. I was so angry at first, and still have times that I am mad at God that I had to lose three babies before carrying one.. But I look back now and see that God was with me the entire time, and that he didnt cause my losses or "take" my babies.. All he did was welcome them into heaven


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Dear angel babies,

Today I am remembering all of you..  Although I didnt know the sex of two of you, I imagine who/what you would be today..  I remember your due dates and think about what you would be doing now..  Daddy, your sister's and I all miss you terribly..  You will never be forgotten.  I know that you left this earth too early, but I also know that you didnt have to feel any of earth's pain.  I know that you are especially watching over your new little sister here on earth.  I know that one day in heaven we will meet again.  Until then I love you babies..

Mom