Yep thats right I have post partum depression, ya know that thing that people dont talk about? After a two year journey to have our miracle baby filled with loss and grief, now I am dealing with PPD. It took me a long time to admit that was what was going on with me. But I couldnt deny it when I no longer wanted to get out of bed in the morning to see my beautiful baby smiling back at me. My hubby and I used to race to get to her first because she wakes up so happy and smiling, it warms your heart. But one day it changed and I just didnt get up out of bed. I am married to a wonderful man who did get up and get her out of bed. But since Im nursing I had to get up to feed her
So I called the doctor and made an appointment. He confirmed what I already knew. It was PPD. He gave me medication and told me to come back in a month. I struggled with whether or not to continue breastfeeding my daughter or to stop. Or to not take the medication and just deal wtih the PPD. My hubby and I decided that there was less risk to her with me taking the meds and the risks of bfing with the meds were still better than formula feeding her.
I started the first medication but it made me sooooo sick! I had to stop taking it and call the doctor. He called me in a second medication to try. I really struggled with this decision because it wasnt the safest drug (like the first one he gave me) although I was reassured by doing my own research that it was safe to take while nursing. About day 4 of the medication I suddenly felt better than I had in the last two years! I was smiling again, and laughing (my kids told me it was great to see me laugh again)... And the baby didnt see any effects of the medication...
But the medication is not a cure all. I still have bad days. Dont get me wrong, this by no means says that I am not absolutely thrilled to have my miracle baby. I love her more than life itself and she brings me joy everyday! It just means that I have days where I dont want to get up and shower or put make up on (anyone that knows me knows how strange that is)..
I just think I should have gotten a free pass for PPD since it took me so long to have my baby.. How is it fair that I now have to deal with the symptoms of PPD. It just seems totally unfair. :/
I take it day by day. Some days are really good, others are not as good. But I still kiss my baby every morning and tell her how much I love her. I just wish that PPD like miscarriage was not a "taboo" subject. I havent been open to telling anyone outside my family that I have PPD because I dont want them to look at me like a circus freak or think I will be one of the mothers you see on the news that have post partum psychosis and hurts her children.. (I promise you that will NEVER happen)..
So to all the other women silently suffering with PPD big {{hugs}} to you!
Here is my quote for today... "I know it says that God will not give me more than I can handle. Some days I just wish he didnt trust me so much" :p
I am sorry you are struggling with PPD. I also struggled but was blindsided as it didn't hit me until my baby girl was 3 months old! She is 6 months old now & even though I still struggle I am doing so much better. I will be praying that things start improving for you as well.
ReplyDeleteDawn, It didnt hit me until about 4-5 months pp.. :( She is 6 months now and I just started treatment a couple weeks ago.. I was too embarassed to ask for help.
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