The one where I go to my DH and ask him "When is enough enough?" I was hoping that we never had to have this conversation. That it wouldnt be necessary because we would finally get our healthy baby. But we started trying for baby #3 August 2008 and all we have to show for it is 3 miscarriages. When AF showed today and confirmed that once again I am not pregnant yet, it made all the questions pop into my head...
*Are we ever going to get that healthy baby?
*A year from now am I going to have another 3 m/c to show for our effort?
*Can I mentally / emotionally handle another m/c?
*I know it would be disappointing to stop ttc, but would it be worse than the month after month of disappointment and pain?
*At what point do we give up?
*Is God trying to tell us to not ttc anymore?
*What do we do from here?
I dont have answers to those questions.. I dont know what we should do at this point. I just know that TTC has been taking over my life and that I need to re-focus my attention on other things for awhile...
My DH is the absolute best ever! I brought my concerns to him and he said it is completely up to me where we go from here. If I decide to stop ttc then he will back me up, but if I choose to continue he will back me up to. I thought that he meant he didnt care either way. When I asked him about it he told me that he would be selfish to ask me to continue after all I have been through. ::Swoon:: What a great DH I have. He is the most self-less man I have ever met. I am so happy that he will support me in whatever I choose but deep down I know he will be devastated if we stop ttc. He was the one that brought up wanting to ttc again originally.
This just sucks so bad... DH says I need to pray about it. But I have been praying about it for months. I have had alot of doubts along the way and have considered that God was giving me the doubts because we arent meant to have another child. But then it would quickly kick in that Satan surely doesnt want me to have another child, because as my pastor said "I am a threat" and any child of mine being raised in a christian home would be a threat too.
But I am not getting a clear answer from God about whether we should stop or continue. I feel like Im in limbo. I am on a path with two roads in front of me, I have to pick one and I have no idea which one is the correct one. Both of the paths look bumpy and rough, one leads to not having another child and the other leads to maybe having another child. There are no guarantees on either one I choose.
I am so thankful for the wonderful DH I have.. I guess I will pray about it and wait for God's answer. For the meantime I think Im just going to take a break from all things ttc. Maybe I just need a break.
No comments:
Post a Comment