Why?

Why is it that the people around me just dont understand? They dont get why I am upset, or cry, or get angry.. And the bad part is the people that are closest to me are the people that run the farthest away from me. They are the people that have disappointed me the most..


Why do they think when I dont want to hear about someone else's pregnancy that I am "jealous"? Im not jealous. I dont want THEIR baby. I want a baby of my own. I do think that the world is backwards. Why do people that dont want babies have them so easily but girls that want one cant get pg or cant carry them.. It just makes me sad... Why is the world so backwards?


Why do women have to lose their babies? Why do some women have to lose more than one? Why are some told that they cannot have babies, while children are given up or abused everyday?

If I had the chance to ask God one question I would have a hard time picking just one... "Why did I lose baby Grace?" or "Why have I had three miscarriages?" or "Will I ever get my healthy baby?" My pastor talked about asking God for answers last night. He also said that sometimes we will never get an answer because we cannot handle the truth... Would I be able to handle the answer that God gave me to any one of those questions? I honestly dont know.

I honestly dont feel like I have been "hearing" God lately. But maybe thats because Im not listening to him. There always seems to be some distraction that keeps me from honestly enjoying the quiet and just praying to God and waiting for his answer. Maybe I am purposely distracting myself because I dont want to hear what he has to say... : (

Its not that I dont think he is working in my life. Or that he "abandoned me".. I heard a saying once "If God seems distant, who moved?" Maybe I moved away from him without knowing it.... Sometimes my mind gets so "fogged" up with the stuff that doesnt mean anything that I lose sight of whats important. So many things can cloud our judgement... I guess I need to set some time apart everyday to "Be still and know God" Afterall he doesnt want our abilities, he wants our availability...

Wow, I think I got even a little deep for me! But I feel better thinking about it...  I guess I just need to pray for healing and pray that the stuff that is fogging my vision will go away...  It has to get better, it just has to!