I <3 my pastor... If he ever leaves my church I will follow him! He scheduled an appt for me to come talk to him today.. He is so great about helping me get to the root of things.. Sometimes he is brutally honest but sometimes I need that.
He told me "When you feel like God just keeps piling things on you he's not.. That pile of stuff was already there he is removing stuff peice by peice and then the stuff buried underneath it is revealed. This is a process that happens over and over again until you have dealt with all the hurts and hang-ups in your life."
Wow that really puts a different perspective on things... When we feel like God is piling it on he is really helping us "Clean out the clutter".. Maybe God is just cleaning out the clutter in my life.... Maybe he is preparing me for the baby that is ours to come? Maybe if I work through all this "junk" I will be ready for a baby. Now that sounds ridiculous.. I know Im already ready for a baby.... It just sounded good. Maybe though he is preparing me for all the good that is to come and we just have to get rid of all the garbage!
He also shed some light on my DH as well.... My DH is a heating & cooling guy who fixes stuff all day long. He can fix anything! But apparently it really bugs him that he cant fix me after the m/c's. That is why he runs away when I am upset because he doesnt know how to "fix" me... Wow that put an entirely new perspective on why he does what he does... Maybe he's not being a jerk when he tries to stay away from me while Im upset... He just doesnt know what to say or do to make me feel better... My pastor said "We are guys, he is never going to completely understand . For men as soon as the doctor says its over, its over for them. They dont feel physically pregnant. They dont bleed. They dont have cramps or a daily reminder that they still feel pg but arent. For them its over and they just dont understand because they cant be pg. They arent the ones dealing with the raging hormones that are completely out of whack. They arent the ones that have to get stuck with a needle every week until their levels are at zero!
Maybe I have been a jerk to DH? I have been really mad that he just doesnt understand and I feel like he hasnt been supporting me. Maybe he just doesnt want to say the wrong thing?!
He said "Dont throw your pearls to the swine" and "Dont let the swine trample your pearls either." Separate yourself from those who are going to trample your feelings... Because even if you take a pig out of a mud pit, clean it up and take a picture of it, it is going to go right back into the mud because its a pig! So I have chosen just to remove myself from that situation. I cant deal with people that only want to hurt me right now. I have enough to deal with without her adding more mud to the pit I am currently in..
He also said that he didnt know I broke down Sunday morning while singing, but he is glad I did. He said it means that I was moved and that it also makes me real to everyone else. Sometimes people think that if you are involved in leading worship you are a rock... And for me to lose it means I am real and that he thinks that people in the congregation could probably relate to me. He also thinks that the bible study and sermon series we are going through called "Life's Healing Choices" is drudging up some stuff from the past that I havent dealt with. And breaking down means that I am starting the healing process.. I can say that the bible study has been very eye opening although since the class started the day after my D&C I wonder if I am fully committed.. Sometimes everything seems so foggy that you cant see what is really happening. I guess I need to start reading my book and actually going through the exercises that I have been avoiding...
He also told me that the world gives us so many ways to escape our problems.. Television, radio, bars, movies, alcohol, medications, food, and so many other things to "cover up" our problems that sometimes it is beneficial to just sit still in the quiet and talk to God. "Be still and know that I am God" How often do we rush through the day and only ask God to help us when tragedy strikes? We should talk to God every morning.. I have actually been trying to be more diligent the last couple days. In fact I have started taking daily walks after I drop my DD off at the bus stop and then before I pick her up. I am trying to use that time to think and sort through emotions and other stuff that is "clouding my view". Sometimes I just dont want to think. Which is another way he said that I avoid dealing with what is bothering me.....
Its hard to want to deal with things. Its easier just to want to forget or push it back in our minds.. Like I had been doing before Sunday. What good did that do me? NONE! I lost it front of my entire church.. : ( I guess I better start dealing with each emotion as it comes instead of bottling it up. Because I exploded Sunday afternoon and it was not pretty.
I also told him how I was upset with how many people were telling me it is "Not Gods will for me to have another child." His response was "You just need to ignore those people. God is not punishing you by taking away your child". That made me feel so much better to have a man of God tell me that I am not being punished. I never used to think that but after so many people insisting that you are being punished you start to think they are right. Why cant people just keep their mouths shut? Why do they have to say hurtful things when you are already hurting? Why do people have to kick you when you are down? I guess they get a better swing in when you are already on the ground. I am so disappointed in people sometimes...
Well I wrote a book and rambled on and on again, but I think I actually feel better now. Its just the beginning of the healing process. I pray that through the next couple weeks of this study I am able to work through the hurts and get onto healing... Its not going to be easy. Its probably going to be a roller coaster ride. I guess I will strap myself in!
I'm so glad that your pastor was able to be so helpful to you. I'm also glad that you wrote about what he told you because I have been feeling angry toward my DH too and feeling like he just doesn't "get it." But when it doesn't involve your body directly, how can you get it? You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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