Anger, frustration and sadness........

Yep anger is what I am feeling right now...  Im angry that God let this happen to me a third time in 12 months.  Im angry that I even tried to get pg if it was going to end up in a miscarriage.  Im angry that my DH doesnt understand.  Im angry that my cousin tried to stir up problems and stalked me on a message board.  Im angry that now I dont feel comfortable posting on the message board about my true feelings, in worry that she will read it.  Im angry that my mom is still talking to this cousin like she didnt totally screw me over! Im angry that my cousin took away my safe place to vent about my feelings to other people who understand.  Im angry that she violated that trust...

Im frustrated that people dont have time to call and ask how I am but they have time to stalk me on message boards.  Im frustrated that no one IRL understands what I am feeling, even my DH..  Im frustrated with all the advice people say to me "It wasnt meant to be this time" or "its God's will" or "Its Gods will that you shouldnt have another child"  or "it will happen when you least expect it."  It just frustrates me to no end...  Who are these people to tell me it is God's will?  Like he came down and directly told them "Hey its not my will that she has another child thats why I keep letting her get pg and then taking them away."    Shouldnt they be more concerned about Gods will for their lives? 

Im sad that people feel the need to say things that are hurtful instead of just giving me a hug and understanding that I have been through hell in the last year.  Im sad that I have lost three babies in one year.  Im sad that my body is having problems carrying a baby to term.  Im sad because I have people all around me that have babies around my edd's.  Im sad because I feel alone in my grief and feel that I suffer in silence...  Im sad because I feel like I cant truly post my feelings on a message board now because someone decided to ruin it for me, when there was no reason for it..

Im tired of having to TTC.  It shouldnt be this hard.  Im tired of going to an ob appt all excited about a new pregnancy only to have my hopes and dreams crushed once again..  Im tired of having people giving me unsolicited advice about why they think I miscarried.  "You know riding those horses is what is making you lose babies."  or "you were doing too much" or maybe you arent eating healthy"..  It just makes me want to smack them!  Im physically tired.  Im mentally tired from trying to hold everything in.  Im tired of having to "put on a brave face" at church and with my family, when deep down I am crying inside.

I wish people could at least try to understand what it feels like to have your hopes and dreams crushed when you lose a pregnancy.  But on the other hand you dont want them to have to bear the pain you have been through.   I wish that they would just hug you and say "sorry is there anything I can do" instead of saying hurtful things...  I wish that women no longer had to suffer in silence and "put on a brave face" because they might make others uncomfortable talking about the babies they lost...   I wish that miscarriage and pregnancy loss wasnt a taboo subject.  Why do we feel so comfortable talking about things that are way more inappropriate but refuse to talk about m/c?

Im ranting I know..  I am just so filled with emotion today that I feel that I am going to pop!  It took two weeks for everything to hit me but it finally did, at church in the middle of singing a song.  I stood in front of our entire congregation sobbing unable to finish singing.  And only ONE person came up to me to give me a hug or offer support.    Sad isnt it?  It sure made me sad....

I am going to quit ranting now and find something productive to do with all this pent up emotion I have...