So stressed.....

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders today.  I am so stressed out I dont know what to do.  I have a headache, my shoulders and neck hurt from tension.  When we went to lunch after church today someone made a comment that I am "being tested" right now.  I said "I think that I am beyond being tested.  I am beginning to feel like Job"..  It seems that everything is falling apart right now.

I have stress with still having to get my blood drawn from the last miscarriage which is just a weekly reminder that I am not pregnant and that I have lost three babies in a year.

I am stressed over whether or  not to continue to ttc.  Not to mention if we did ttc this month I would be due around the same time I was with Grace and I dont know if I could handle that.

I am stressed over the stuff that is going on with my DD's pre-k class at school..  I have to make a decision whether or not to continue to let her attend school or whether it would be in her best interest to remove her from the bad situation.

I am stressed over being stressed.  We are going to FL in January and Im worried about saving up extra money for that.

I am stressed about keeping up with my everyday stuff, like being a mom, a wife.  Handling the day to day stresses is difficult right now. 

Where do I go from here?  What do I do to get out of this rut?  How do I decide what is best for my family? 

I feel like I am in the middle of a room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one is hearing me.  I know that God hears me, but he certainly is not answering me.  I have been trying to convince myself that maybe God doesnt want us to have another child.  And that completely breaks my heart.  And I dont understand why I have had to go through such a rough last year if I wasnt going to get to hold another precious baby in my arms.  Why do drug addicts, prostitutes and people that abuse their children get to keep their babies but I have to lose three in one year?  How is that fair?  What does God want from me?

 I am so broken right now I cant see which way is up anymore..  I am an emotional wreck.  My DH doesnt understand why this is bothering me so much.  He just cant understand how upset I am right now.  Its like I dont have an outlet for this emotion which is bottling up inside me.   I am trying to take a break from a message board where I get support from ladies who do understand, because being there makes me obsess about ttc.   But then it takes away my support...  What is the lesser of the two evils?  Its hard to say right now. 

Im just having a hard time right now dealing with the fact that reality set in on I may never get to hold another baby in my arms.  That breaks my heart.  So what do I do?  Do I continue to try to get pregnant or do I just give up?  Either option honestly sucks!

I need prayer right now.  Prayers for strength to make it through this tough time.  Prayers that I can clearly hear God's answers to whether or not we should continue to ttc.  And prayers that I will be open to hear what he has to say.