Yep I said it. Im having a hard time. Im not going to act like everything is ok, or put on a happy face til I get somewhere private where I can cry and be sad. I should be able to tell people "Im drowning in grief" but I too often put on the happy face, because I know people dont want to know how I really feel inside. But God already knows. I have been honest with him on the surface but not the stuff I have been packing down inside.
I went for a counseling appt with my pastor because I have been having such a hard time. He has seen me through my last 4 losses and shared the joy of Hannahs birth with us. I almost backed out of going because I have been avoiding really dealing with my loss. I have been bottling my emotions up like fizz in a soda bottle. The bottle kept getting shook, but I wasnt opening the lid carefully to let it out a little at a time, it just busted open today.
My pastor shared and played this song/video for me today and it really touched me.
It says "Gods not afraid of honesty. He can heal your heart if you speak honestly. A humble sorrow and an honest cry he will not pass by" I had to think, have I really been completely honest with God? I think I have been "topically" but I havent gotten to the heart of the issue. I keep thinking, "I was serving you God, I was on an international mission trip and the entire time I was carrying a baby that was no longer alive. WHY God WHY! How could you let this happen again? I have been obedient, I have been serving in numerous ways in my church and outside church in all kinds of activities. So many that some days I cant keep up and I am starting to get burned out. Why did my baby have to go when I was willing to sacrifice and go out of the country to serve you?
God I am angry, I am angry that I have gone through 5 pregnancy losses. I am angry that I carried a dead baby while on a mission trip. I want my baby back. I want all my babies back. I want to go back to being blissfully ignorant that pregnancy loss happens. I want to understand why this happened. I am angry that I got a surpise pregnancy only to lose it 14 wks later. Im angry that I had just gotten comfortable with the pregnancy thinking everything was going to be fine, for it to all be taken away. Im angry that I have no answers even almost 6 wks later. Im still waiting for the fetal testing to come back. Im angry that my body looks terrible. Im angry that I weigh more than I did pre-loss/pre-pregnancy. I want my body back, my skinny body I had 3 years ago before starting this journey of pregnancy and loss.
Im sad that I have 5 babies in heaven, isnt that more than one person can handle? Im sad that I still have to deal with comments from people about my loss and that I have to deal with unwanted advice about whether we should try again or do something permanent. I just want to stay in my house and crawl in bed until everyone else forgets and I dont have to hear their "Wisdoms" on how to deal with m/c and pg loss when they really dont have a clue what it feels like to carry a dead child in their body, or to have to deliver a baby they know wont live. They have no idea the pain. I actually told someone the other day that said "I dont know what it feels like to lose a child because I have never experienced it". I told her "well you better thank God in heaven you never had to feel the pain of losing a child because it is an unbearable pain that changes you forever. And some days feels as though it will rip you apart." She really didnt know what to say after that.
I am confused and struggling with the decision as to whether we should even entertain the thought of having another child. God Im waiting for your answer. I want your guidance. I know you cant tell me the future but please discourage me from trying again if all I am going to go through is pain. I have been through enough pain for a lifetime.
So back to my counseling appt with my pastor. He really was great. Although I hate that he knows me well enough to strike a nerve and make me cry and talk about it. But it really is great to have that "safe release". He didnt judge me for crying or tell me I shouldnt be. He just sat there with me helping me get through the emotions that were hitting me all at once. I was angry, and grieving all at the same time. But how do you get through this and move forward? How do you mourn your 5 children in heaven? I feel like each time I have gone through a loss the pain of every loss before comes rushing back and I grieve for them all again.
He kept encouraging me to be completely honest with God, because "He already knows how I feel so I might as well tell him". It makes so much sense and I have said it to many others many times before, how come I cant live it? Because its hard to tell God Im angry with him after all he has done for me. But I dont think I will be able to completely move forward until I am honest with him. And I wont be able to make the decision about ttc again without dealing with this first. My mind has been so bogged down with so many things, I need to take time and "Be still and know that He is God". Now if I can just put it into practice I will be doing well. I need to remember to have quiet time with Him everyday.
Well if you have made it through reading this post you deserve a medal. I know I was all over the place, and thats the way my head has been. I wish that no woman understood the pain I am going through, but Im glad to have a group of such supportive friends to "vent" to.
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