So it has been almost a month since my loss. And when we got the news the baby had passed I was 100% sure that we wouldnt want to try again. I never wanted to be pregnant and go through this misery of loss again. But about 2 wks after I started thinking "what if we did try again". I have thought about it alot and gone back and forth about whether or not I want to ttc again or just be done.
I am so incredibly happy to have the three beautiful children I have. And I thank God for blessing me with them, but part of me thinks "maybe one more". A loss changes things. Whether or not the pregnancy was planned or a suprise, the loss of a pregnancy is devastating and changes the way you view things. I really wish I could go back to being blissfully ignorant to the fact that bad things happen during pregnancy and a positive test doesnt mean a "take home baby". Im really not sure where I go from here.
I can tell you that while shopping for Hannah last night I saw a double jogging stroller (we have been looking for a reasonably priced jogging stroller) and it was like a knife to the heart knowing that I no longer need a double stroller. Its a pain that cuts deep and that not many people understand. I find myself looking at the double strollers and extra car seats, even though I dont need them. It breaks my heart and makes me long for what "Should have been". Our babies should have been 15 months apart. I remember when I was thinking about being big pg on Hannahs 1st bday, but now Im hoping to lose ten pounds before then.
Why does this have to be so hard? And why did I lose another baby in the 2nd trimester? My dr said its rare to hear/see a heartbeat and then a baby to pass in the 2nd tri. Why do all these "rare" things happen to me? They told me that there is only a 1% chance of getting Chorioamnionitis and that is why I lost Grace in 2008.
Some days I just want to yell "Why God Why?". Im just so confused as to why I have had to lose 5 babies and why God gave us another pregnancy (suprise) just so that the baby could be taken away 14 wks later. Sorry for my ramblings. Im just having a sad day today. =(
You never have to apologize for any of your feelings on here! This is your place to share w/those of us who understand. Sad days are a part of the process to healing. So is anger & doubt. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. You & your family have been in our prayers. I don't think we'll ever understand why these things happen but I pray you are able to find peace whatever decision you make.
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