Heartbroken....

Yep I am absolutely heartbroken.  I have been stressing over the results of my D&C testing to see what if anything was wrong with the baby and what the sex of the baby was.  I finally got the nerve up to call and ask the nurse if they had come in.  They were.  I had been carrying a chromosonally normal boy.  Yep after 8 pregnancies I had FINALLY conceived and carried a boy!  It was a knife to the heart.  I was hoping when we found out about our suprise pg that it would be a boy.  I love my girls, but dearly wanted to give my hubby a boy!

I have gone through so many emotions today.  Its like the first day of grieving all over again.  I sit here writing with tears streaming down my face.  I want to yell and scream "I want my little boy here with me".  Knowing that it was a boy makes it more real (not that if it was a girl it would hurt any less)  I want to name him, and place his u/s pic in a frame or shadow box with a poem and something in honor of his short little life that touched me so dearly.  But it is so painful to think about looking for "poems' to place in the box.  I should not be grieving right now, I should be shopping for little boy clothes and toys.  I should be blissfully pregnant, complaining about the heat, not crying for my little boy who is now in heaven. 

Tonight while shopping with my kids we went past the baby department and the boy clothes were on the end cap.  I immediately started thinking about how I would have shopped like crazy for my first boy.  How he would have looked so cute in the outfits.  It took everything in me to hold back the tears.

Life seems to be so unfair to me today.  Losing one baby is devastating.  Losing 5 is life changing.  My heart is broken and will never ever be the same.  I will always grieve my babies in heaven.  I will always look at children that are the ages that they should be and hear my heart break a little more.  I will never forget any of my angel babies.  I will always reach out to women who have lost a child, because I understand the pain and heartache.  I will never make comments like "It just wasnt meant to be" or "You eventually pay for your sins" or "You just werent meant to have a boy" (actually said by my mother today!)

What would my little boy have looked like?  Would he have had my husbands beautiful blue eyes and my dark hair?  Would he have acted like his daddy or been like me?  Would he have been laid back like my hubby or high strung like me?  Would he have loved riding horses as much as his older sisters and I do?

I am sad and angry with God all at the same time.  God, why?  Why did I have to lose my son?  Why did you allow me to get pregnant with a precious little boy only to take him back home at 14 wks?  Why do I have to go through this pain again?  Why have I had to deal with this pain so many times?  Why do women have to go through pregnancy loss?  Why does miscarriage exist?  Why cant we have our answers?  Why did the testing come back normal but my little boy still passed away in my uterus?  WHY?  I have so many questions right now. I just dont understand it.

Tonight I am just sad.  I am going to cry until there are no more tears to cry.  I am going to think of how to honor my son and my daughters that are in heaven.  And Im sending them my love.

"Miscarriage is a quiet funeral attended only by the immediate mourners"


Grief is an emotion like no other. You think it's gone away.. think you're doing SO good, and then it taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it..

Rest in peace my sweet angel boy!