How do I............

get close to a baby now? That was my question today.. How can I go near the baby that was born about 4 weeks ago at my church? I have been avoiding his mom like the plague since I lost Grace. It was just too much for me to handle. And now the baby has been born and she is bringing him, I feel like a jerk for running the other way everytime she comes down the hall with the him.. And it makes me feel like an awful person.. I should be happy for her, and want to see the baby up close. Instead I run for the hills everytime she is near..

This is not the kind of person I want to be. But I am so afraid that being near him would just bring me to tears. Isnt that silly? As much as I long for another baby I cant bring myself to get near one? What is wrong with me? I dont want to be "that girl" that cant get through her own grief to be happy for someone who thankfully didnt have to experience what I went through. I would never wish a pg loss or infant loss on anyone. It is something that I wish no one ever had to experience.

So how do I get past this? By the grace of God I guess. I guess I am just going to have to "put on my big girl panties and deal with it.." I just dont want to turn into a blubbering mess in the middle of church. And I wonder, is the girl not going to want me near her or her baby since I have been avoiding her like the plague for months? Or is there a possibility that she understands what I have been through and wont hold it against me? Do I take the chance? Or do I just let it be for now?

Before, when I was pg with Grace, I was a VIP member of the "pg club". Ya know the group that stands around and talk about pg symptoms, compare bellies, dr stories, etc... But after I delivered Grace, it was like I was the black sheep of the group! I was suddenly no longer a member, and no longer acceptable to be around them.. Because I was a reminder of how quickly a pregnancy could be taken away. I was the reminder that no pregnancy was guaranteed! I was that "percentage" of women who couldnt carry a pregnancy to term. They didnt even want to know the details, too fearful that they might become like me. What an awful feeling. I still feel that way... And it is a very lonely place to be.

Maybe one day there will be more pregnancy loss awareness, and women wont be the "black sheep" anymore... That is my prayer.. That we wont be treated like freaks. That we will be accepted into the "clubs" and not just the club of "women who have lost babies" that no one wants to join or talk about.

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why cant it be easy. Grief is a process that I dont know if I will ever truly get through.

God please grant me the strength to get through this mess..