More than I can handle?

People always say "God will not give you more than you can handle" and most days I believe it. However today I dont believe it. I believe that he has put more than I can handle on my shoulders. I got a call from the dr today about my test results.. He told me that I have MTHFR. I dont completely understand everything about it yet, but I know that it can cause me to have problems staying pregnant. I also know that he said it was probably the cause of my losses.

I wish that my old ob had been proactive enough to check for this before she told me to get pg again. It would have saved me a lot of heartache! I know that I should be happy that I have a diagnosis, but it really makes me sad.

Today I am angry at God. I am angry that he put the desire in my heart for another child, and now he is making it so difficult to get there. I am angry that he has let me suffer through two losses and now this diagnosis. Im just mad at him period. It doesnt mean I dont trust him and wont follow him. I just dont feel Him right now..

I guess I could be looking at it the wrong way. Maybe he gave me the diagnosis so I could have a healthy pregnancy.. I just dont understand. It just seems so unfair. And I know what people area going to say (because I have heard the comment already) "you HAVE two beautiful children, just be happy with them". They just dont understand that the desire for another child is not going to go away.

I am just sick to my stomach. God - Why me? Why now? Can I get a "break" please! I am begging for things to go right for me for a change. I hate to be a "debby downer" but today I am. I just cant be happy today. Maybe tomorrow but not today. Today I am wallowing in my misery. And thats not normal. I try to be so positive. Today I need prayers from my friends. Prayers that I can see God with me, that I can feel his presence during these "trials".

I have said it many times "alot of people say they have a storm cloud that follows them around. Well I dont have a storm cloud, I have a monsoon that just waits to DUMP on me." And to top it off now my DH is questioning whether God put the desire for another child in our hearts or if we put it there ourselves.. He made me cry. I truly believe that God put the desire there for me to have another child during the mission trip I went on last summer. I just dont understand why it has to be so difficult.

Maybe God is testing to see if I will persevere through these "storms" or "trials". I know the prize is an awesome one, but I just dont have the strength to fight today..

Please God grant me strength and comfort me today.. I need your help to make it through. I cant stand on my own two feet. Im weak. Please God I need you today..