Today is my due date from the pregnancy I lost in October 08 (right before I got pregnant with Grace).. Wow, I didnt even think about it this morning when I woke up. And it isnt bothering me as much as it should.. I should either have a baby to hold in my arms right now or be delivering that baby. I think it will hit me more when Grace's due date comes up (August 22 by u/s or August 31st by dates).. I guess that one will hit me harder.
But I feel so guilty for not being upset today. Its like that baby I lost didnt count as much as Grace. But I was only pg for 8 wks. I carried Grace for 18 wks.. I know that both of my babies are in heaven, but I wonder why it doesnt bother me today? Is there something wrong with me? Or am I in denial? Who knows.. Maybe I will never know.
I do have a very busy day today with my oldest DD having the formal installation today. My other DD is participating too. I guess I am caught up in that and maybe that is why I am not emotional today... Maybe it will hit me later, maybe it will hit me never..
That baby was precious to me too, and its not like I have forgotten where I have been. I remember it vividly going to the dr and them telling me that my baby had quit developing and there was no hope. I remember having to go to church after that. I found out about that loss during the Missions Kickoff week at church where I was bringing my horse to church for the Youth Night (it was a western theme). And I still went through with bringing my horse to church all the while knowing I was going to lose my pg. I put on a "happy face" and went through the services and activities.
That was a miserable time for me.. But I was happy to have something to keep my mind off what was really going on. I think I was in denial until I had to have the D&C. Oh to go back to the days of being naive during pregnancy and thinking that nothing could ever happen to take it from you. I wish I was naive and could be blissfully happy while pregnant. I dont think that will ever happen again.
Lord, please watch over my babies that are with you in heaven. I truly wish I could have kept them here on earth, but I understand that they have a greater purpose with You. Please grant me peace and help me through this day. A day that is already stressful because of the events in it. Plesae do not let me lose sight of what is most important. I ask these things in Jesus name, Amen!
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