We went to Wednesday night prayer service tonight. Last week I had a meeting so I didnt get to sit in on the "lesson". So I didnt know that they were discussing prayer... We did our prayer time, then he started talking about prayer. How there is power in "group prayer".
He used several different scriptures, but then read James 4:2-3 You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
I felt like there was a spotlight over my head blinking "GUILTY GUILTY".... I have been guilty of praying with the wrong motives.. I dont pray "God please bless me with a child, if it is your will." I pray "God please let me get pregnant this month, and please let it be a healthy baby, that ends up with me delivering full term and bringing the baby home to raise." WOW how guilty is that? I cant just pray the simple prayer.. I have to put "conditions" on the prayer. Not just "God please bless me with a child"..
It hit me like a ton of bricks and I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt horrible. I need to ask God for forgiveness for not being able to trust in him that he will "give me the desires of my heart".. If I dont let go of this control over the prayer and putting all my conditions on it - He is never going to bless me with another child. I need to learn to trust him completely and put all my cares in Him.
This is going to be a struggle for me. But who says change is ever easy. There is no bargaining with God. How will I change my prayer and put my trust completely in God? Its not going to be a simple process Im afraid. Its going to be very complicated and trying. I feel like I am just such a mess right now. How did I get here from the place I was right after delivering Grace, when I was closer than ever to God. I feel like I have gotten so far away from that place. I feel like even though I know He is with me always, that I am pushing Him away lately.
Goodness I thought I was doing ok, but after hearing how selfish I have been in my prayers I am feeling really guilty. God knows I am a work in progress. Now to figure out where to go from here..
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