16 weeks ago today...

I was delivering baby Grace.. I cannot believe that 16 weeks have gone by. I should be 34 weeks pregnant today and gathering last minute baby items. I should NOT be in the dreaded 2WW again.. I should be dreaming about holding my perfect baby girl in my arms, NOT looking at her memorial box in my living room. I should be happy, fat and huge pg. Not just fat and miserable. I should have a beautiful HUGE pg belly, not a flabby belly with nothing to show for it.

I am feeling a lot better emotionally, I have more good days than bad. But every once in awhile something makes me cry or have sad days... I do think of Grace often, and talk about her. Talking about her makes me feel better. I really hate it when people shy away or "shut down" when I talk about Grace by name. She was my child and I will never forget her. I think of her everytime I look in my 4 yo's eyes because she looked just like her...

Though I have come so far I still feel like a peice of my heart is missing. She will always have a special place in my heart that even another child will not be able to fill. I do not want to replace her by trying again, I want to give her a younger sibling here on earth for her to watch over.

So much has happened since baby Grace grew wings and flew to heaven. I have grown in my faith, and have dedicated my life to telling people about God. I want them to know about how he "carried me through" my losses. How he comforted me so I could turn around and comfort others that are going through what I did.

I have learned that I have MTHFR with elevated homocysteine levels, which can cause problems in pregnancy. So now I am being treated to hopefully increase my chances of having a healthy pregnancy next time.

I am still envious of pregnant women and babies. I dont think that will ever go away til I have my own healthy baby in my arms. Its not quite as bad, but it does bother me when I hear of women who are pg and not happy about it, or they werent trying, etc... Its just not fair.

There are so many people that helped me thru my losses. I have made friends that I never would have without losing Grace. I have a new respect for my pastor and all the support he has given me. My church family has really come to my "rescue" and walked me through. Some online friends have impacted me more than they realize and for that I am greatful. You sometimes touch peoples lives by doing something very small, yet to the person you are doing it for it is a very big thing.

Progress, I am making progress.. I am healing.. But there will be a part of me that will never be the same....