So I went home from the hospital only hours after giving birth to Grace. The dr felt I would be more comfortable at home than in the hospital.. My DH took the day off to stay home with me and take care of me. I had a rough delivery so I was in a lot of pain and emotionally I was really having a tough time..
For the first week home I had someone with me everyday, my family was talking turns staying with me. One day it would be my mom, then my dad and stepmom would come stay. And they all helped me keep my house clean and take care of my kids. My DH was wonderful in taking over the household chores as well (laundry, etc).
I ended up going to the dr 3 days after I had Grace because I was passing rather large placenta looking clots. They fit me in and I sat in the waiting room on the verge of tears. Then a pg woman walked in and sat right next to me talking about how many kids she had and complaining about her pg symptoms. I lost it. The lady at the desk called me up and asked if I was ok. I told her no and asked if there was anywhere else I could wait to be called back. She was very accomodative and put me in a monitoring room in the back away from babies, and pregnant women. The dr did an exam and wasnt concerned about the clots, said they would go away..
I received a gift a couple days after Grace was born. It came in the mail and was from another bump member who had known me from SAL. It was a remembrance necklace made with stones from March (the month she was born) and August (the month she was due) birthstones with a silver pendant in the middle that said "Love". It was the greatest gift I ever received. She had put a card in the package with the most beautiful message! I dont think a day has passed that I have not worn the necklace. And when I am feeling "down" I rub the pendant and remind myself that she is God's Grace now.
The first Saturday after we lost Grace two girls from the bump Success after Loss boards came to my house and brought meals they prepared for my family. It was such a great gesture from these girls. They were both "big" pregnant and took the time, money and energy to prepare meals for us. I was very greatful.
When the first weekend rolled around after having Grace I decided to go to church. I knew that it was going to be hard, but I could be miserable at home or miserable at church right? I didnt go to Sunday School, just to church. And my pastor had requested that I come to church late because he wanted to be able to tell everyone what had happened (because some didnt know - not everyone attends Wednesday night services). So we walked in to service late and I was on the verge of tears. But I knew that my church members would just "love me". I cried all through the service.
The worst part of it all was that the girl that was pregnant and 2 weeks behind me was sitting behind me in church. And she decided to bring her (approx 8 month old) baby in with her. I had to listen to him cry during the entire service AND he was trying to pull on me. I was about ready to explode. It was so rough to sit there.
The service was almost over and my pastor told me that I could leave early if I didnt want to talk to people yet. We decided to stay.. A lady came up behind me and put her arms around me. She said "I have two angel babies too, I know how you feel" she just hugged me tight and held me and talked me through it. It made me feel better to know that someone else truly knew what I was going through.
When I looked up with tears streaming down my face, I was surrounded by my loving church family.... Everyone just wanted to hug me and let me know that they loved me and were praying for me.. I cried the entire time, I couldnt keep myself together and I dont think they expected me to either.. I was glad that I went, it would have been a whole lot easier to stay home and feel sorry for myself. But instead I went to be with my church family and they were wonderful to me.
I continued to go to church even when I wasnt feeling up to it. I forced myself to go and kept praising God even when I was mad at him. I started counseling with my pastor, which really helped me get through the rough spots. My dr tried to get me to go to a psychiatrist, but I felt my pastor was better suited to counsel me since he knows me and he was there when Grace was born. He went through it all with me. He helped me work through emotions. I will always be indebted to him for the support he gave me, my friends, and my family during the darkest day of my life...
We held a memorial service for Grace on April 5th. I couldnt have planned it without the help of my pastor and my best friend. They were such great support and help. I was having a hard time planning it so soon after her death. But the service turned out to be beautiful. We had my family, friends, and of course my church family was there..
No comments:
Post a Comment