Since losing baby Grace it has been really hard for me to be around pg women and babies. And thats weird for me because I love being around them.. So Friday night at the church's fundraiser dinner for a mission trip I was tested.. One of the missionaries had brought their 10 month old DD. She was absolutely adorable! He brought her over to my table to see my 4 yo DD. I was talking to her and before I knew it was grinning from ear to ear! Whoa, wait a minute. Could it be that I was actually enjoying being around a baby? It was a strange concept to me.
I was taken back for a minute.. Then I realized. Yes, I was able to be around a baby without absolutely crying my eyes out. I enjoyed it even. I was in amazement!
This is a huge step for me. Not saying that I wont "fall back" into that "I dont want to be around babies mode" but for right now, it didnt bother me! It made me feel good that I am making progress thru this roller coaster ride called "grief".
Some days I wonder because it feels like I am just "forgetting" about little baby Grace. But how could I? I truly dont think it is possible. I just feel guilty for moving on with life without her. We are supposed to be trying this month. How scary. It just brings on more guilt. How can I be TTC again so soon after losing her? It has only been 10 weeks. But wow it has been 10 weeks already. Does that make sense? Time is going by so fast.
What is the point to all my rambling? Who knows... I was just so suprised that I was able to be around a baby and not cry or run screaming in the other direction. I guess we should call it "progress".
Thank you God for giving me peace and helping me thru this grieving process. Thank you for giving me strength to make it through the tough situations. I know that I could not have done it without your help. I pray that you will bless us with another pregnancy, a healthy one this time, that ends up with me bringing a healthy baby home from the hospital to stay! I dearly love the two daughters I have but I feel that there is room in my heart for one more. I will never forget my precious baby Grace, but I know that she is in your care. Please take care of her for me until I get there to do it myself. I ask this in Jesus' precious name. Amen.
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