About a week after giving birth to Grace I started feeling like God was calling me to missions (again).. It was very strong and I ended up calling my pastor to go in to see him. I told him how I felt torn, how I felt like Satan was attacking me BIG TIME, like I was in spiritual warfare. I also told him how I was angry for losing Grace. And then I told him during all this fury of emotions I felt like God was calling me to mission. It seemed really odd to me because why would God be calling me in this time of tragedy? He surely couldnt want me to do anything for him now because I was "broken". But the more I denied it the stronger the feeling got.
My pastor told me that maybe God was speaking to me now because I was more open to hear him because I was relying on him for my comfort and strength. It made alot of sense. In my time of agony I was more open to hear God speak to me than when I was "whole". He told me to pray and ask God to give me answers if he truly was calling me on mission to speak to me and tell me where I was to go or what I was to do.
He also told me that the devil attacks us in our most vulnerable times. Which would have been NOW for me. But asked me the question "why would Satan attack you?" My answer was "because I am vulnerable". He told me that Satan only attacks you if you are a threat. Wow that was a powerful statement and gave me an entire new outlook on it. I thought he had been attacking me because I was falling away from God. Nope he was attacking me because I was too close to God in a time that it would have been easy to fall away from him. And my pastor told me about a saying that he heard that said "Be the kind of woman that when you wake up in the morning Satan says 'Oh no she's up!'". I walked away from that counseling session with a renewed feeling, and was excited to find out what plans God could have for me...
What could God have in the plans for me? Well I got the opportunity to go on a mission trip again this summer with my dad's church to go to Illinois to do a VBS (vacation bible school). I had gone last year and taken my DD's with me. It was the greatest week, so rewarding! So I accepted and am planning on going with my 13 yo DD to Cairo, IL this summer. But it still felt like there was something else I was supposed to be doing. The calling hadnt gone away even though I thought I was following God's plan for me in going on the mission trip..
Then it hit me, start a prayer group on the pregnancy loss board, and be a support to girls that are going through losses! So I started the daily prayer group. At first I was unsure that it was going to make a difference or that anyone was going to read the posts. Its funny how God works in our lives when we dont even notice it. I truly feel that God called me to do the daily prayer group. But I also think that I am getting alot out of it myself.
My DH said to me just last night. I really think this is your calling! I can see the changes that have happened in your life, and how much you are reaching out to others. I can SEE God in YOU! He wants me to continue to support girls that are in the same situation, whether it be a loss at 8 weeks or 18 weeks. I have been through both. And by the Grace of God I have made it through.
God has comforted me and allowed me to comfort others... This is now my mission verse! 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
If I can touch just one life with my story or with a word of prayer, a verse, or a song, then I have fulfilled God's calling. I am more mission minded right now than ever in my life... I hope that I can "branch" out somehow and that God will use me to touch many more lives. I want to dedicate my life to service in Him. For he has delivered me from some very rough storms in my life because I have built my life on the Rock (Jesus) instead of on the sand (nothing). Read Matthew Chapter 7 if you are interested in reading about building your life on the Rock.
To be continued......
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